Let's start with the good, you do have some pretty good edits. You didn't go over the top, and there wasn't too little. The game was actually pretty funny, and interesting for the most part.
Although I did see some things you might want to think about. For me, your music cut and started randomly and felt a little out of place. I can see what you were trying to do with it to highlight areas of the video that were intense. I feel music is a great background filler, while the real compelling tool should be the commentary. The last thing is I can't really hear your friends. They are very silent, which is kind of a drag for me.
Depending on what you use to record your games, you might want to do a youtube search for a tool called Virtual Audio Cables. It is what I use in unison with Dxtory, and it helps me out big time since I record my Mic, my game, and my friends over skype. The best thing that comes from this is that after you record, you can separate your audio tracks from the video so you have skype, mic, game tracks that you can adjust the volume for accordingly. It is also great because Sony Vegas recognizes this and separates the tracks within the program, whereas software like Adobe Premiere requires you to separate it prior to importing.
My last tip is, and it might not be a tip because I do not know who this may bother within your living arrangement; but do not be afraid to get crazy. Get assertive and be energetic within your videos. Make it seem like your excited to be there and so should the viewer. Get your friends going too. It is a lot more fun when everybody is energetic and having a good time then being monotone.